These fears that have haunted me will no longer define me. They will no longer chain me to the ground. I am ready to break through, destroy these habits that I have fallen into. I will find the means to show you just who I am underneath, and not just the man that I appear to be. This is who I am. One who chose to learn from the past and to grow with the future in mind. I am no longer that timid, naive boy of old, but rather someone with bountiful patience and a big heart. Today I hold myself up with confidence and pride and look up to the clouds. For today, I am finally ready to spread my wings and fly. Ready to fly toward my hopes and dreams strewn across the endless blue sky...

Funny thing happened to me not too long ago.  i have no idea what caused it considering I rarely sleep and when I do I don't ever dream.  But this time my dream happened to be so real it was frightening.  It wasn't necessarily bad at all. In fact, I could probably say it was a good dream but anyways here it goes.  I remember arriving at an airport somewhere. I kept walking along passing by people that I didn't recognize.  At some stage the atmosphere changed a little bit.  I had the feeling of nostalgia, and as I kept walking I could start remember the faces of these people I couldn't recognize before.  They were a younger version of people I used to know back where I grew up.  I thought to myself how could this be? I shrugged it off and continued to walk down the hallway of this strange place.  At some point I see an atrium type area that had light pouring in from the windows. I walk toward it but at some stage something caught my eye.  A little boy was playing and laughing and running around just ahead.  Something stirred inside me and I felt compelled to go and have a look myself at who this boy was.  As I walked up to him he ran right toward me smiling as if he knew who I was.  I kneeled down and had a good look at his face.   That little boy was me.  At this point I was stunned and confused.  I looked around and sure enough I could see my mother and father sitting on some seats nearby.  I couldn't make out what I was seeing and sat down against the wall.  The little boy sat down next to me smiling as my father stood up and started walking toward me.  I looked into the little boy's eyes and we just sat there looking at each other.  He just smiled back.  At that point I started to cry.  I couldn't stop crying.  I could see the innocence, the love, the happiness deep down in his eyes.  I kept on crying not knowing why I was doing so.  Then I looked up to see the younger version of my dad smiling down on me.  He kneeled down beside the younger me, and wrapped me in his arms.  I started to cry uncontrollably.  I didn't know when I had woken up but when I did I was already crying.  Tears had already drenched my shirt and I couldn't stop.  I frantically tried to understand what was going on but nothing could explain why I was crying so much.  First thing I did was give my mum a big hug.  She asked me what was wrong and I couldn't give her an answer.  I didn't know what was wrong.  Then I called my dad and talked to him for awhile still crying.  Hearing his voice calmed me down.   I don't remember crying that much for that long ever.  It was the weirdest thing.  Still to this day I don't know if that dream was a good dream or a bad one. 

Allan

Wow, Last post was so long ago my gawd!   Well, I can't seem to sleep ever.  Needed something to do while my brain was still working.  I tried to go to sleep 3 hours ago.  That didn't go so well.  So now I'm here not knowing what the fuck to do. Hmmm....  Loneliness eats away at my soul every day I still exist.... omg /wrists emo....  Hmmm...  I'm bored.  But anyways... I've just been up thinking about everything that has happened within the last 6 months and I just don't know what to think of it all.  I wonder whether this person known as Allan is capable of caring for others.  I have so many contradictory feelings that It's hard to distinguish what's real and what I think is real.   At times I want company and I want to talk with certain people but I get no responses. Other times I just don't try.  I don't know whether trying is really worth the hassle and letdown.  Not to mention that whenever I go and spend time with people all I want to do is be alone and when I'm alone it just kills me.  It makes no sense and I just end up being confused.  It makes me wonder if I care about the people I say I care about.  Other times I wonder if those people know I care about them or care that I care or something along those lines.  No matter how many times I hear, "You're not alone"  I wonder how can that be?  This feeling of loneliness doesn't fade.  It seems to just keep growing and having people "there for me"  doesn't shake that feeling.  Anyways, just ranting about random stuff.  Thoughts of a confused and weird guy.

Allan